sex is complicated

Asexuality: Sex is So Complicated!

Asexuality: Sex is So Complicated!

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I recently watched this documentary on asexuals. If you don’t know what asexuality is, it is a lack of arousal towards people and sometimes lack of arousal, or sexual interest, completely. I couldn’t help but think how lucky they are. As an asexual, they are not faced with the issues surrounding sex that so many of us deal with. In America, we have created this very complicated sexual psyche. Even as comfortable as I am with sex, I too fall victim to this at times. It seems we have been conditioned to complicate sex, and there are a few factors that are the cause. One major factor is that we aren’t raised to feel comfortable discussing sex. Therefore, there is no discussion at all or very little. If we’re lucky, we’ll get sex education in school, but it is often very clinical and basically, shows a diagram of genitals and a scary video on extreme cases of STDs. Sex encompasses so much more than anatomy and STDs, so we end up creating our own ideas about sex, based on false information. We read about sex in magazines, in movies, and from friends. As a result, we end up having conflicting ideas, or shame, that can make sex scary and complicated!

All those interviewed in the documentary seemed very content, which makes sense. They’ve never felt aroused by another person, so they don’t even know what that feeling is like. It’s not as if they had it at one point, and someone came and snatched it away. For asexuals, sexual interest has never been there, and the idea of arousal towards another person feels so foreign. Because of this, I began to wonder if people might consider becoming asexual if the sexual orientation fairy gave them the choice. I don’t mean celibacy, which is where you are capable of being aroused and attracted to others; You just choose not to engage in sex. As a celibate, you do know what you’re missing, or not missing. As an asexual, you would have no idea what you were missing, and many of the complications surrounding sex wouldn’t exist. No more worrying about if someone will go on a date with you, nervousness about sexual performance, awkwardness of having sex with someone for the first time, desire for someone that you can’t have, etc. If you have a lot of anxiety around sex, asexuality might be sounding pretty good right now.

Despite all that I’ve said, I know that asexuality comes with its own complications, and I actually don’t think asexuals are lucky…or even unlucky. They are who they are, as we all are. The point of this blog is not to determine whether asexuality is more advantageous but rather to show that a lot of people feel uncomfortable and insecure when it comes to sex. This insecurity can lead people to feel like sex is a burden rather than an enjoyable or fun experience. We can turn sex into a more enjoyable experience, instead of a burden, when we give ourselves the freedom to explore and discuss sexuality in an open and non-judgmental way. Although sex can be complicated, it doesn’t always have to be because a lot of the complications we have created out of false pretenses surrounding sex. We can dispel the complications and confusion when we start having more open discussions and healthy explorations when it comes to sex. This will help make sex less complicated and less of a burden, so we don’t wish we were asexual.


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14 thoughts on “Asexuality: Sex is So Complicated!

  1. Ahmat says:

    Chanel Hello excuse me for asking , how do you feel about anal sex have been problems with the part of the employed in this kind of sex ? Please answer people want to hear from a professional !!!!πŸ™πŸ™πŸ™πŸ™πŸ˜Š

  2. Bankrupt in Cali says:

    I met a guy who struck me as rather gay, seemed quite fruity, and was fully metro-sexual, he gets his jollies preening in front of the mirror, when he goes to the head, which I shamefully observed. Funny thing is, he looks like a tall, wacky carrot, but some loonie chicas dig his action! He’s kinda old, creepy and downright bizarre…go figure. I met a gay actor in Hollywood years ago, told me he was 75% gay, 25% straight. He tried to get in my buster browns many moon’s ago, but I told him “sorry charlie”, I dig the ladies, not “sausage”! Get my drift? Anyhow, I was invited to his pad in the Hollywood Hills, Mount Olympus in fact, lured me over telling me a bunch of smokin’ blondes with tans and lips,legs and buns, would be sunbathing and drinking Jim Beam on the rocks….WRONG! as none arrived! I got to his creepy castle like home, and he had a big screen T.V. going, with 2 guys smokin’ each others que-sticks! One other screen had a chick servicing a dude, who was banging the lads can from behind! YIKES! Only in Hollyweird!

  3. Davide says:

    Hey, I just found out your site, and, congratulations, you’re doing a great job!
    I actually used to watch porn (yours as well xd) until I was 22 yo (1 year ago), because I would gradually feel so guilty for masturbating on porn that it would ruin my enjoyment.
    So I started masturbating on my own fantasies or on just erotic videos on youtube, but my guilt gradually moved to that too..

    Ok, here’s my situation now: it’s been like 3 months of basically no masturbation, and no orgasms (I found a girl and we made love once, but I didn’t like it that much and I did’t come), I get sometimes aroused by models or hot girls, but generally I quickly feel the sexual arousal vanish!

    I had sex only twice, and could not come no matter what during that, and to think about it I’m sometimes a bit scared that my sex life might actually cease to exist (but still get erections sometimes, though I tend to move my attention away from it doing something else so that I won’t feel the arousal…)
    There is something deeper than guilt to it, I think: I was educated a Catholic, and sex was always a cause of embarassement in our family, I started talking to them about my difficulties about getting sexual when I was 21.
    Now sex is not a goal to me, since I don’t like it more than, say, drawing, doing jogging, bycicling or just helping others (as little as I can do to those I love). I’m also interested in meditation and I think that sexual energy can be directed towards the development of the mind…

    So, in conclusion, I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but I think that porn has really conditioned our minds towards self-seclusion, laziness and objectifying our bodies. And isnΓ„t it sad that our culture/media seems to think that all there is for us is sex? It is like, if you don’t have an amazing sexual life you are somewhat strange or different.. Sometimes this makes me feel lonely… I’m not so proud of being part of this crazy culture.

    I am truly interested to know your opinion about this, especially whether you feel that sex is being “over-praised” for solving problems that maybe it is actually the cause of, e.g. stress and depression (since I started my “chastity” experiment I am feeling less stressed and depressed).

    As a sidenote: I hope nobody got offended by my post, Prehaps my ideas are a bit too “puritan”, but I want to stress that I truly don’t condemn anyone who loves to have sex a lot, to the contrary, I think that everybody is different and should be encouraged to freely express him/herself!

    • Chanel Preston says:

      It sounds like you associate sex with a lot of negative feelings so it makes sense that the idea of sex feels more like a burden. You are not alone in this. Because we lack information about sexuality a lot of people find sex to be more of a burden than an enjoyment. I do think our culture is very hyper-sexualized and inaccurate in it’s portrayal of sexuality, but I think if you have a good understanding of your own sexuality then you will not be as affected by these representations of sex that the media portrays. I would recommend exploring your feelings about sex further. Sexuality is a part of who we are, and if you don’t address these issues you have with sex, then it doesn’t mean they will disappear. Know that you may always be confronted with the conflict inside of you. I think if you explored it further, you may be able to gain a better understanding of your relationship with sex and be more at peace with yourself.

  4. Rick says:

    I’ve read dozens of interviews with pornstars and have visited their various blogs and social media pages.

    There is this running monologue amongst “porn cheerleaders” (people active in porn that promote it as something positive).

    The monologue is basically this: “We are free and sexually liberated, but the rest of humanity is a bunch of puritanical nuts that are clueless about sex!”

    Not only is this monologue offensive to all of humanity (the percentage of people involved in porn is immeasurably small), but wrong.

    I have meet a few extremely religious people that have strong moral belief about sex – but I’d bet anything that on any given Sunday at any given church those types are a small minority and the rest of the congregation is engaging in guilty free fucking 7 days a week. Btw NO ONE has the right to judge anyone’s beliefs or convictions.

    Most people don’t have a problem with the sex act per se – most people’s sex problems can be defined in two different ways – they are not getting enough or they are not getting the right kind of sex PERIOD!

    The sexual issues I hear pornstars bring up really have nothing to do with the vast majority of humanity.

    I do understand that women in porn do not have the same “body image” issues as most women or if those issues exists they are constantly minimized or neutralized by fans incessantly adoring her body and the men in porn don’t have insecurities involving size like the majority of men. Of course filming sex and getting tons of positive feedback from fans must inflate the ego to unrealistic portions.

    None of the above makes ANYONE an expert on sex!

    Pornstars do not understand that the rest of humanity considers sex a private and intimate act, even swingers do not want their faces and activities blasted across the internet.

    I believe all negative views on porn stem from how it commercializes and dehumanizes sex. When I say “dehumanize” I am referring to sex ALWAYS being mechanical, unrealistic, emotionless and loveless in porn flicks – most sex in real life does not go down that way.

    • Chanel Preston says:

      I agree that being a pornstar, or any type of sex-worker, does not make you an expert on sex in any way, and I don’t think a lot of pornstars do claim they are experts. I do think they feel they are sexually liberated and free, and they have every right to feel that way. I write and speak about sex because I am interested in the topic and I enjoy talking about it, but I have never claimed I am an expert. I enjoy starting a dialogue with people – I think it’s important.

      Also, more and more porn these days are showing a more realistic dynamic between sexual partners vs. the emotionless and unrealistic depiction people are used to seeing. However, I do think it’s absolutely possible to enjoy the more unrealistic type porn while maintaining a healthy sexual relationship with a partner.

  5. Rick says:

    I often wonder where the proper line between accepting people as they are and meeting them halfway and the need to intellectualize and judge is …

  6. Claude C. says:

    Sexuality and asexuality is not stirred by decisions. They are there because we are carriers of hormones. We complicate our sex lifes because we are educated to be born with envy, jealousy and possessivness. This makes people feel small, vulnerable and act violently. And a lot of Porn has been making its living on that one way or the other.

  7. IL says:

    From my point of view, sex in life is one of the most important components as humans. As you said, there are many kinds of sexual preferences, but also different types of having sex. On my own experience, having talked about sex with others, with boys and girls and of course with my wife…, made my sex-life much better, much more intense and fun. For asexuals, I would recommend them recieving some practical lessons, about some ways of having sex, with open forum with Q&A with experienced people, professionals or just normal people presenting their own experiences.

  8. Elanor says:

    My friend is asexual. It’s pretty easy for her to navigate, if she feels she needs some sort of intimacy she will ask if I will hold her hand or brush her hair. Things that are intimate but not necessarily sexual. Sometimes she likes to make out but she doesn’t like the texture of tongues so it is just soft kisses on the lips. It’s the least I can do for her because she has to constantly listen to me talk about wanting girls to sit on my face.

  9. Given the fact that there are actually a large number of different sexual orientations that are categorized clearly enough to capture rough statistics on them, and given that we (nakedwithchanel) advocate openness and candor when it comes to sex in our culture, then we do need to include asexuality in that scope. As people progress in their awareness about themselves and sex, this category should be included for consideration. During the critical years when teens try to learn about “fitting in” this category will be just as important as others we hear more about. Not fitting in will be just as traumatic a topic whether it is caused by one specific reason or another one. Learning to understand what asexuality is will be important. Learning the merits of being tolerant of all the categories will be important for everyone. Actually that philosophy applies to more than just sex, but taking on one mega-topic like sex seems like a big enough challenge for anyone. Oh my, I think I agreed with the blog.

  10. If sex is complicated so are many other things. You can have issues with food, social situations, phobias, emotions, family relationships, you name it. Sex is just another component of life, perhaps on a similar level of importance as anything else if you want to have a holistically fulfilling life. Asexuals may have less to worry about, but also have less in life to enjoy. A zero-sum game?

    Personally I think it’s part of the challenge of life, what makes life so fascinating. Yes, the potential to screw up is huge, but so is the potential to get it right, and with it, the rewards.

    I totally agree that we need to be more open-minded and tolerant about sex. A lot of the attitudes that we have are not mature enough. We can do better than that.

  11. GC says:

    Even more complicated: you can be sexual, or even very sexual, but because of the way you look and behave, people around you assume you are asexual! This can lead to a lot of frustration and confusion. Perhaps an object of desire treats you with a certain kind of intimacy that turns you on, except that they aren’t doing it for that purpose – they’re doing it precisely because they assume you won’t be turned on, so they believe they don’t have to be as careful with you. Or, we may be so accustomed to thinking of certain types of people as non sexual that it drives them to overcompensate and project an image that is way more sexual than they are truly comfortable with, just to get some sexual attention. Of course, nowadays, especially with the advent of dating and hookup sites/apps, the situation for mistaken asexuals isn’t completely hopeless, but it’s still much more challenging than for people whose sex drives and sociosexual images are in better alignment.

  12. Philippon says:

    Asexual human being would be like animals such as reptile finally I presume that this pathology is more about hormone

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