A pornstar's guide to picking up women.

A Pornstar’s Guide to Picking Up Women

A Pornstar’s Guide to Picking Up Women

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Pornstars often get asked questions about how men can be successful in picking up women. This doesn’t really make sense to me because we are experts in having performance/fantasy sex, which is known for including awful and extremely unimaginative ways to get women to have sex. Just because we have sex for a living does not mean we know the most effective ways to pick up on women. I feel, as long as people are making this connection between pornstars and expertise on this subject, they are going to get some pretty rotten advice. Yet, because I am a women that gets hit on by men, not because I am a pornstar, I will give you my opinion.

I believe a huge mistake one encounters when approaching the opposite sex is stereotyping them into a gender category; you see this everywhere, “what WOMEN want to hear”, “how to please a MAN”, “what WOMEN look for in a partner”, “why MEN cheat”, etc. Although you can make generalizations about each sex, when it comes to approaching an individual, I feel you should treat them as such. Understand that each women and each man is an individual, and you can’t conveniently categorize them, make general statements about what each one likes, and believe you are going to be successful in your approach.

Asking what SHE wants vs. what WOMEN want is a much more effective way of thinking. Unfortunately, when it comes to picking up women, you don’t have the luxury of asking what she would like to hear before you approach her. So, the discouraging truth is there is no magic line that I can give you which will make picking up women more successful for yourself. But I can recommend that you be casual and simply say hello. It doesn’t always have to be anymore than that. Starting a conversation with someone who piques your interest is the same as starting a conversation with anyone else; the only difference is that you may be nervous. Also, understand there will be times that a women is interested, and there will be times that she is not, and that is okay. Obviously, most people don’t enjoy being rejected, but this is the reality for everyone. If someone is successful with every women they approach, just know, they are not the majority.

As someone who is not an expert in picking up women (if there is such a thing), I hope my advice still resonates with you. Remember that we are all individuals, and not every women you’re approaching wants the same thing. This includes you as well. You are an individual as much as the person you’re trying to talk to; what works for someone else may not work for you. Disregard generic claims of which pick-ups work and which don’t, do not under-estimate simplicity, and most importantly, find what feels natural for you.


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17 thoughts on “A Pornstar’s Guide to Picking Up Women

  1. buddhaislaughing says:

    A close friend of mine, who is also a Catholic priest told me that men who are married cannot have “female friends”, merely friendly associations, as the very real possibility of adultery could manifest, if the friends get “to close”. If the two friends find each other attractive, it could go wrong pretty rapidly and why put yourself in the near occasion of sin…if the woman is a turn on and you’re married, time to maybe end the friendship…dontcha think?

  2. Nelson says:

    well kinda a good advise, you seem to be very smart, though i always check if there is some sort of chemistry between me and the girl before approaching.

  3. Andrew says:

    I’d like to add a couple of comments about the nervousness and ways to control it. I’m sure there are tips and tricks out in self help books and programs to address this issue (and you may find it helpful to look for these) but the most important thing is to simply have confidence, which is tied very much to how you see yourself and your self-worth. A lot of guys have problems approaching and talking with women because they worry about how the women will perceive them i.e. find them not worthy. This worry stems from the guy having low self-worth and low opinions of himself and it is difficult then for a woman to respect a man who doesnt respect himself. Never look down upon yourself, if you do so will everyone else. Once you start worrying about what a woman (or anyone for that matter) will think of you then you begin to doubt yourself and that is when the nerves act up.

    Just to expand on this a little more never put a woman up on a pedestal. Women are beautiful, engaging and fascinating (there is a reason why women have so often been the subject of art throughout the centuries). They deserve the respect of men but when a man elevates a woman in his mind he lowers his own self-worth (making him less desirable to her). It is also very unfair to the woman as well. When you elevate her you expect her to mirror perfection (which none of us can do)and you also project the personality on her you expect to see rather than respecting her as an individual and letting her own personality shine through. This alone has ruined so many friendships, dates, and relationships of people I’ve know.

    Also if you approach a woman with confidence dont be disheartened if she rejects you, it happens to everyone. She may have a boyfriend, may not be interesting dating, or she may simply be having a bad day. Its not your fault or hers. Just be sure not to confuse confidence with arrogance. Confidence breeds self-awareness in a guy while arrogance, as well as low self-worth, lead to a gaping lack of self-awareness, a character trait which no one respects.

    One final thought on how you can apply this on a daily basis to eliminating nervousness. Try to make every woman you encounter in your day smile. Say something funny, do something nice just to make them smile for a moment. Dont worry about scoring a date or a number or attraction, just make them smile and give them a little bright moment in the day. Whether its a gorgeous girl at the bar, the cashier at the store, or the 65 year old grandma standing in line. This is practice in interacting confidently with women but more importantly its practice in being a decent man.

    This went a little longer than I expected but I hope it helps.

  4. Hales says:

    Asking people out is so weird. “Hi, complete stranger, let’s go not be strangers together!” It’s hard to establish that you want something other than sex when you don’t know anything about the other person. You can’t see a personality across the room. You always know there’s a reason you’ve been approached or why you’re approaching someone else. I’d say meeting through mutual friends/acquaintances is a lot less assuming. I guess just suck it up and understand that subconsciously sex is underlined?

  5. J. P. Tabua says:

    I don’t get why anyone should ask anyone else out. Maybe I’m too cynical to understand shared rituals, and that’s what dating is in my mind; a shared ritual. You can ask a girl out to the movies, but do you really wanna watch a movie with another person sitting beside you? You could ask her out to a restaurant on the promenade, but, really, who wants to watch a girl eat salad? And you know a lot of girls are self-conscious, and salad is the self-conscious choice, or it’s the healthy one, in which case it’s worse. Now, I think, and maybe I’m too free spirited when I say, that I’ll just find a girl who wants to go out with me, and I’ll just tell her up front (like a real jerk) how I’m not a dater, but if you wanna spend time with me my door’s always open. … Listen: I just can’t do the whole scheduled-in-advance relationship shit. Yeah. Some people would say: I have no life, or my life is empty, but, this is the weird thing about me, I like having no life. I love the emptiness, you know? I like not having to worry about other people’s crazy emotions.

  6. Felix says:

    There are some cultural differences between the mating rituals (i.e picking up women or men) of the United States and certain asian countries. In Asia, folks generally take more time to get to know one another before engaging in sexual intercourse. However, it is universally true that most men are interested in “getting sex” in the shortest amount of time from their female or male partners. However, most male readers of this forum probably want to hear from Chanel the best advice for as getting sex from their female partners in the shortest amount of time…as the topic of discussion is “picking up women”

    Any insight from Chanel will be appreciated!!

  7. Neil says:

    As a woman who is perhaps more capable than some women to get sex when desired, acknowledging however that women generally have the potential to be far more successful than men to obtain sex when needed / wanted, by merely picking up a man who inevitably is always ‘up for it’, what makes the pick up more successful for you? And I understand that this may be more of a personal question, but there is likely a point during a random conversation with a guy where you decide he has potential, you move him into the possible friend zone, or are just totally turned off. Is there an element of physical demeanor along with the verbal communication that helps you to make the decision?

    • Chanel Preston says:

      For myself, I wouldn’t say there is any way a guy carries himself, or anything he can say, that helps me make a decision as to whether I should put him in the friend zone or not. I usually go by my intuition. Sometimes I feel people, and sometimes I don’t. I don’t always understand it myself, but it seems to work for me.

  8. Spacedogg says:

    Well, that’s honest.

  9. Milan Blanusa says:

    Excellent advice ms Chanel , much apprecciated :)

  10. Richard says:

    I think the approach definitely changes for most people depending on what their intentions are. People looking for a quick hook-up will probably be more likely to employ a general strategy, often honed by experience.

    I would imagine people looking to make a “deeper connection” would probably be more suited to the approach that you advocate here. Personally, I try to treat people in any encounter, sexual or otherwise, with the respect and attention that we all deserve. If we are truly attentive, then there are subtle cues and hints that can often point us in the direction that we need to be headed in order to make some kind of progress.

    As is often the case, it would seem that, while we are all individuals and unique in our own ways, we tend to want the same things. Realizing that there is a person behind that enchanting smile, and those mischievous eyes, is not only important to your own personal growth, but could likely lead to increased success in “picking-up” a partner.

    As for rejection, well, it happens. It doesn’t have to be the end of the story. For me, if you’re interested in a person, you can’t be afraid of the so-called “friend zone”. Embrace it. Some of my best friendships with women were with women who I was once interested in physically/romantically, and the feeling was not mutual, and vice-versa. While my romantic overtures were ultimately rebuffed, the realization I had that the person underneath the flawless skin, and the silky hair, was a person worth getting to know led to some of the most satisfying relationships I’ve ever had. Knowing that rejection can lead to a something else so satisfying, can help take the edge off of approaching a stranger. Being at ease can help put others at ease, which can lead to them letting down their guard a bit, making your job just a little bit easier.

    They say that love often finds you when you least expect it. To me, that’s not because of some cosmic joke played on us by fate. To me, that happens when you finally drop all pretense of being a predator hunting your prey; when you’ve finally let down all your walls, stopped focusing on the game, and allowed someone to truly show you who they are.

    Lastly, I would add that for those on the other side, for those being approached – realize that there is also a person on the other side, allowing themselves to, for a moment, be vulnerable at your hands. It often takes courage and some foolishness to approach a complete stranger, so be gentle!

    I apologize for the wall of text, the poor sentence structure, and the incoherent rambling. And thank you to Chanel for taking the time to initiate some stimulating conversation, and for reading these responses.

  11. john says:

    That was a fine piece of advice but here is a question: don’t you know any tips to help us control our nervousness? sometimes girls just reject boys for not being confident enough to say what they want to

    • Chanel Preston says:

      You are right. Some women like a bit of swag in their men and being nervous doesn’t show much swag at all. This doesn’t mean there aren’t women who find a little nervousness endearing, because I’m sure there are plenty. I wish I could give you great advice on how to combat being nervous. However, I would imagine a guy is better suited to answer this question since I am generally on the receiving end. Just know, if someone rejects you because you are too nervous, maybe they are not the right one for you.

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